Divorce is often seen as having contentious courtroom battles, emotions running high, and families are torn apart. But what if there were a way to resolve even the most contentious issues outside the courtroom, with a process designed not just to settle, but to heal and protect the family? That is the power of Collaborative Divorce.
Take the case of a couple in their sixties who had a history of infidelity, emotional trauma, and claims for sexually transmitted diseases.
This wasn’t just any divorce—it included a complex claim for emotional damage, and years of deep-seated anger. It is the kind of case most people would expect to end in a messy, drawn-out court battle. And yet, against all odds, this couple found resolution through the Collaborative Divorce process. So, why did it work, and what made it different?
The Power of Collaboration: What Made This Work?
At first glance, this case seemed destined for litigation. The wife had been emotionally harmed during the marriage, claiming she suffered from lasting mental health issues. The husband’s infidelity and its aftermath—a sexually transmitted disease—added fuel to the fire. These are the types of allegations that, in a traditional divorce, could escalate quickly into a war of words in a courtroom. However, this couple had a strong motivation to avoid the public spectacle of court. They didn’t want their personal drama aired for everyone to see.
This is where Collaborative Divorce shines. Unlike litigation, which can escalate conflict, the collaborative process is structured to keep the focus on solutions. In this case, the couple’s main motivators were privacy and cost-saving. Both were highly conscious of their finances and didn’t want to waste money on prolonged court battles. But even more importantly, they wanted to avoid public humiliation. The wife had a history of childhood trauma, and airing the full extent of their issues in court wasn’t something she was willing to face. Keeping the process private allowed them to preserve not just their finances but also their dignity.
The Key Role of the Divorce Coach
Unlike traditional divorce processes where people are left to fend for themselves, the collaborative model brings in experts like divorce coaches, financial neutrals, and mental health professionals to provide ongoing support. The divorce coach in this case played a pivotal role offering emotional guidance, facilitating communication, and helping the couple steer through their complicated feelings.
There were moments when the tension threatened to derail the process. At those times, the divorce coach stepped in, providing reassurance and keeping the couple on track. The couple had moments where they considered leaving the process altogether, but it was the divorce coach’s nurturing presence that kept them engaged, reminding them of the benefits of staying within the collaborative framework.
Cost Savings: A Real Advantage
The financial savings in this case were significant. Had the couple chosen to go through litigation, the costs could have easily topped $100,000 per person. With a contentious case like this, involving complex emotional issues and a potential personal injury claim, the financial strain of a drawn-out court battle would have been overwhelming. Instead, the Collaborative Divorce process helped the couple manage the divorce process and resolve their issues at a fraction of the litigated costs.
This is a big advantage of the collaborative process. Because the parties were motivated to find common ground and avoid unnecessary conflict, the process is much more efficient. And, with a team of professionals guiding the couple, the chances of costly delays or impasses were dramatically reduced. The parties were able to successfully self-manage their divorce.
Beyond Kumbaya: The Reality of Collaborative Divorce
There is a common misconception that Collaborative Divorce is all about compromise and harmony—like everyone holding hands and singing “Kumbaya.” But that is not the reality. Collaborative Divorce isn’t about avoiding difficult conversations or pretending everything is perfect. It is about creating a safe, structured environment where both parties can express their needs, fears, and desires without the pressure of a public trial. The process is hard work, and there are tough moments along the way. But for couples who are committed to making it work; it can be remarkably effective.
In this case, it was the structured nature of the collaborative process, along with the expertise and support of the collaborative professionals that allowed this couple to find a resolution despite the high stakes. It’s not easy, but when both parties are motivated to stay in the process, the results can be transformative—not just for the divorce, but for their future.
The Bottom Line
This case is an example of how Collaborative Divorce can work in even the most complex and emotionally charged situations. It is not about avoiding conflict, but about managing it in a way that respects both parties and their needs. With the right support, clear communication, and a strong desire to avoid the trauma of a courtroom, even the most challenging divorces can be resolved in a way that benefits everyone involved.
So, why did the collaborative process work here? It worked because the couple’s motivations—privacy, cost-saving, and emotional protection—aligned perfectly with the structure and support that Collaborative Divorce offers. It was the right fit for them. And, as this case shows, it could be the right fit for others too, even when everything seems stacked against it.
Postscript
The husband married soon after the divorce. He could not locate his copy of the judgement of divorce with gold deal that he required to get married. As time was of the essence, he contacted his ex-wife for her copy. She provided it to him and the marriage proceeded. This would not have happened if the parties went through a traditional divorce which usually results in a further deterioration of the party’s relationship. The parties have remained amicable post-divorce.