Many people may rule Collaborative Divorce out as an option because they are no longer on good terms with their spouse. They believe that for the Collaborative Process to be considered, everyone has to “get along.” Although it would make the process smoother if the spouses did in fact get along, it is not a requirement. In Collaborative Divorce, the role of the divorce coach is, in part, designed to address exactly this problem. Among the divorce coach’s jobs is to prevent the anger and resentment that the spouses may feel towards each other from derailing the process.
Whether the anger is generated by a previous affair, by the feeling that the spouse has not been pulling their weight financially or that they are just “mean,” couples often come to the process with many more negative feelings than patience and grace. In Collaborative Divorce, the divorce coach will often talk to the couple about skills that will help them have difficult conversations in a civil way. Moreover, because the attorneys are also focused on getting to a resolution rather than stoking a fight, they too approach sensitive topics with caution and try to avoid being provocative. For example, let’s say one spouse wants to move out of the marital home so that they can move in with their new partner. The expenses connected to this move are likely difficult for the other spouse to discuss and tolerate. It will feel like they are not only suffering from the emotional impact of the affair but are now carrying the financial burden of that act as well.
The distress is understandable. Not only will their attorney be able to gently help their client understand how marital funds have to be distributed even if they are used in a way that does not feel good, but the divorce coach can help them understand that separating residences was inevitable and help build tolerance around this painful topic. When this topic is brought to the table, both attorneys know that proposals have to be made in a considerate way, and if the spouse who is moving out gets impatient with the need for sensitivity, then the divorce coach can take them out of the room for a brief individual meeting and explain that being conscientious of the pain they have caused is not only about showing their hurt spouse respect, but a way of getting to their goal of moving out sooner. These pointed and well-timed interventions can prevent tempers from escalating and a sensitive subject from becoming an impasse.
Thus, despite its friendly name, Collaborative Divorce process is actually the most effective method even for couples who are not getting along, because the additional support that is built into it will keep them on track and out of court.
About Me
Dr. Julie Davelman, Ph.D.
Dr. Julie Davelman received her Bachelor of Art in Psychology from New York University, and her Doctor of Philosophy (Ph.D.) in Clinical Psychology from St. John’s University. She began her professional career as a counselor for students with financial and academic difficulties at the College of Staten Island, City University of New York. After five years of guiding students towards academic success, Dr. Davelman transitioned into an intense clinical role at a private practice that contracts with the Division of Child Protection and Permanency (DCPP; formerly DYFS) to provide psychological evaluations and therapy for its clients. Having completed more than seven hundred evaluations in a wide range of cases with both children and adults, Dr. Davelman developed expertise in identifying the needs of families and pairing those needs with appropriate referrals and community resources. Dr. Davelman is licensed as a psychologist in New Jersey (# 5223) and New York (# 18015) and is fluent in Russian.
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