Most couples are facing divorce for the first time, and therefore, there are a million conversations they have not yet had on the subject. Out of all of these conversations, the ones that couples worry about the most are the ones they need to have with their children. If a couple chooses to divorce using the Collaborative Divorce Process, the divorce coach can prepare them for these conversations. Usually when a couple comes in for the first consultation, they have not yet told the children. The divorce coach will talk to the couple about the kinds of things to say based on the children’s ages, as well as things to avoid. The divorce coach can also provide resources such as books and podcasts, both to support the parents and for use directly with the children. In this way, the couple receives the support they need from the very start. This keeps the process focused on putting the needs of the children first, which is what most parents find most pressing and why many had selected collaborative divorce in the first place.
The next thing that the divorce coach can help with is the development of a parenting plan that really works for the family. Since time can be split in many different ways, it is important to think through what the parents’ goal is in terms of splitting their time, but also what they believe about their children. For example, a parent may believe that sharing time equally with their co-parent is ideal, but they do not believe that their three-year-old, who has to-date spent most of his/her time with one parent, will be able to tolerate that separation. Thus, they try to push this goal to sometime in the future, which may not be acceptable to the other parent. In such a case, the coach can provide education about attachment, so that the parents can better understand the child’s experience. Moreover, the coach can provide the parents with concrete ideas for how to build the child’s tolerance of separation and the benefits of spending time with each parent.
The coach will also work with the parent stepping into an equal parenting role on ideas for how to handle the inevitable tantrums that will arise during the initial stages of the separation. The coach will work with the family on ways to make their goal of equal parenting time a reality rather than setting up conditions where such a time share seems “impossible for such a young child” and must be pushed off until the child is older. Establishing one schedule initially and then having to switch, may actually make it more difficult for the child since they will have to get used to different schedules. After-all, if they never have to try to be away from their primary caregiver, how will they learn to do so? Thus, the divorce coach not only helps the couple separate in a healthier way but brings an added bonus of having co-parenting education built into the process. By integrating the role of the divorce coach into the collaborative divorce process, the parents receive parenting support from the very beginning and all throughout the process.
About Me
Dr. Julie Davelman, Ph.D.
Dr. Julie Davelman received her Bachelor of Art in Psychology from New York University, and her Doctor of Philosophy (Ph.D.) in Clinical Psychology from St. John’s University. She began her professional career as a counselor for students with financial and academic difficulties at the College of Staten Island, City University of New York. After five years of guiding students towards academic success, Dr. Davelman transitioned into an intense clinical role at a private practice that contracts with the Division of Child Protection and Permanency (DCPP; formerly DYFS) to provide psychological evaluations and therapy for its clients. Having completed more than seven hundred evaluations in a wide range of cases with both children and adults, Dr. Davelman developed expertise in identifying the needs of families and pairing those needs with appropriate referrals and community resources. Dr. Davelman is licensed as a psychologist in New Jersey (# 5223) and New York (# 18015) and is fluent in Russian.
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